Carson's Conscience
by Alex T
Summary: Carson can't sleep. Thomas caused more trouble than he knew by visiting Jimmy's room that night. Rated T to be on the safe side. First fic ever posted here, Reviews welcomed!


Carson was having a hard time getting to sleep.

_Well, and why shouldn't I, with this new crisis Thomas has created among the staff? _

But no matter how he tried to convince himself it would all work out in the end, he could not decieve himself that this preoccupation dealt with work matters. His mind continued forcing him to replay the conversation he had earlier that day.

_"When you're like me sir, you have to read the signs as best you can, because no one dares speak out."_

_"I do not wish to take a tour of your revolting world!"_

And Thomas, the mocking, the cool, the ever sarcastic, had gone white to his lips, unable to form any sort of response beyond a soft spoken, _"No."_

_Thomas has been a manipulative twat since you first hired him on. He's caused you countless problems within the management of this household, second only to Sarah O'Brien._

Still, the more he thought to remind himself of this, the more regret with which he continued to recall Thomas' shockingly pale countenance at his use of the word "revolting".

_And that may be because you don't find it revolting at all, do you Charlie?_

Carson had found himself drawn to young men at what he considered to be the fairly late age of 19. Before that, he simply hadn't thought of it one way or another. He had certainly had childhood friends of both sexes, but had never thought of girls in a sexual way, and so it had been rather startling to realize he had such feelings at all.

So, while his sexual attraction to men paled in comparison to his greater realization that he was not aesexual after all, he had felt too inept to navigate a world of seeking out male attention, at an age when most of his companions were beginning to form relationships and even marry.

The theater had been a blessing and a curse. He had not liked the standard of living, the nomadic lifestyle. But at least is had been easy there. Easy to be found out by other men, men with more courage to express themselves than he possessed. Had even learned, briefly, to care for one, who had, sadly, not returned his feelings in equal measure, though it was a fun and carefree affair while it lasted.

And yet, he craved a lifestyle of conventional respectability, which would never be possible with another man. Which is when he had gone into service at Downton.

He rolled around uncomfortably in the bed, still trying to find a position that might be more restful, that might help him to feel sleepy.

_No need to squirm Charlie. No one here suspects you of such deviant feelings._

_Which also shows who of us is the better actor! _

He felt smug, imagining how triumphant it would feel, just for a moment, to tell the eternally scheming Thomas that he had been outplayed by a more talented deciever.

But his smugness lasted only for a moment. Keeping personal feelings out of his job was his specialty. And yet, how could he pass judgment in this situation, considering?

_It could be so easy to get rid of him now._

_Which would solve a great deal of trouble, wouldn't it?_

_But is it fair? And what sort of trouble are you really trying to spare yourself old son?_

Because for all of his righteous irritation and dislike of the man's attempts to override his authority ... Carson had been ... personally drawn to Thomas intermittenly for many years.

Imagining himself in Thomas' position, with Thomas in Jimmy's was ... well, quite distracting.

_Blue clear eyes, with something of the angelic about them. Thick dark hair that told the truer story of the man's utter devilishness!_

_And ... _even privately, Carson would not wish to be too vulgar ... _quite a well shaped, masculine form too. _

Jimmy was a looker, he didn't deny that either, but he was both a child to Carson at his age, and childish enough in his behavior enough for the older man to dismiss him quite easily.

_That young man is a flighty, flirty bit of baggage. Certainly not worth the trouble Thomas has caused for himself!_

But he couldn't ignore Jimmy's rightful enough complaint about being molested in his sleep simply because the boy was shallow.

Carson took a deep breath, closing his eyes for a moment, as he tried to make his mind blank. After a few minutes of finding his efforts futile, he flipped from his bac1k to his side with a loud annoyed sigh for himself and his wretched habit of over analizing.

_You've spent far longer caring about this tonight than Thomas Barrow ever cared for you, or for your position, in his entire life!_

That was better. Somewhat. Carson tried to reply every nasty word, every bit of damaging gossip, every scheme, and even every instance of obviously reluctant obedience that Thomas had attempted as a member of his staff, and he could breathe easier for a while ... almost feel himself drift off.

Then, suddenly, he thought on thier conversation again, remembering the deep breath Thomas had drawn before attempting an explanation, how truly vunerable the valet had made himself in his honesty, before Carson had made his withering retort.

_It's not his dishonesty that is bothering you, Charlie. It's the fact that he finally did show you he has some sense of integrity, and you rejected him for it. _

His realization startled him. Angered him. And transferred his resentment once again, from Thomas, back to himself.

With yet another irritated sigh, he briefly debated with himself on the merits of just having a wank.

_It puts you to sleep pretty quickly after all. Soundly too._

_But what if you fall asleep too soundly and can't wake up on time?_

_Its happened before. You were thinking about Thomas then too._

_And it only ends up making you want more the more you do it, making you even less satisfied with your non-existent sex life!_

There was a reason it was called self-abuse in some circles, after all.

_Oh bugger all!_

Rising out of bed, he quickly washed and began dressing himself.

He would just have to go to his office and start working on his accounts.

It would be much better to tire himself out fully for the next night than to keep trying to sleep tonight, he decided miserably.


End file.
